Meaning
by Angry Santo
Summary: Few people get to see their sins face to face. But then, Kirei Kotomine was always exceptional.


So there was a fanfic contest over at Beasts Lair. I entered under drama and got second place in that category. Missed first by one point. Not too shabby if I do say so myself.

Many _many_ thanks go to Riven and Aiden for making my punctuatiationatible grammafigical mess into something legible. You are a full 30% or why I was able to do so well in the contest, I owe ya a beer.

Thought I'd put this up here for anyone that follows mine random projects who is not among the lurkers of the Beasts Lair.

d(￣c￣)p Strategic Snippet Bomb!

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X- X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Kotomine Kirei was a man who caused many others great confusion.

He was born in 1967, accompanying his father Risei to the holy grounds since youth. He graduated in 1981 from the Theological College of Manresa St. Ignacio at age fourteen, and during the course of his studies he took the position of student council president.

He was a young man with a very promising future in the Holy Church. A man of his talent and dedication could have easily risen to the position of Bishop, perhaps even a Cardinal. If he had applied the same zeal and dedication that he did in his studies, he might have even reached the position of Pope. A man of his zeal would have been accepted into many paths.

Kotomine Kirei however, turned away from the golden opportunities before him. He wandered aimlessly. Transferring no less than three times before finally finding a branch to settle on.

He was chosen as an Executor before he was truly finished with puberty. He was a rising star among those of the eighth sacrament, one who would bring down many a heathen and heretic.

Great praise had been heaped upon him, honors given to him, glories sung of his name. And yet, Kotomine Kirei had been dissatisfied.

He had spoken in length with his father. Explained to him how it was that none of his numerous achievements brought him a sense of fulfillment. How it was that he derived no joy from the practices of the Church.

Kotomine Risei had mistakenly believed he understood his son's pain.

He had smiled at the despairing look his son gave him. "Ahh, perhaps it is not your destiny to do His Work. Have you thought, my son, that perhaps His Will is that you find love? That you raise a family?"

This questions had caused the young man to release a pensive huff. After all, every human wishes to love one of the opposite sex, have a family, and die peacefully. Even if one may detest the peace, one can only dream about it.

'_Perhaps.'_ Had thought the despairing young man to himself. _'Perhaps I am no exception.'_

And so one year after obtaining the title for which he had shed blood, sweat, and tears... he abandoned it all without a second thought, and took a wife.

Thus began a simple story.

]==[

Kotomine Kirei was a man who put his utmost into anything he did. A man of his dedication could have gained the love of nearly any woman imaginable. But everyone was surprised by the woman he chose.

Claudia Ortensia, that was the woman Kotomine Kirei took as a wife.

A woman who was terminally ill, someone who likely did not have more than a few years left to her short and sad life.

Everyone thought it tragic. The gesture of a saint who wanted to bring happiness to someone who had known very little throughout her life.

The truth was something else.

Kirei watched as Claudia carefully went through her daily exercises, one of the few things that kept her weak muscles from atrophying. He watched her struggle, paying exquisite attention to her tottering steps, always tensing when she stumbled. Every time she did, Claudia would regain her balance, then smile reassuringly and tell him she was fine, before resuming her exercises.

Kirei never allowed her to see the disappointed sigh that escaped him _every _time.

A deep voice chuckled beside him. The rich mirth was accompanied by heavy steps that resounded with the power of a funeral toll.

"How _pious_ of you, the gallant knight always ready to dash to the rescue of the delicate maiden." Said the apparition as it walked around him. "Staring at her frail form with every ounce of your attention, _anticipating_ every time she will make a mistake, always afraid to blink lest she finally fail in the one moment where your vigil lapsed."

Kotomine Kirei ignored it, choosing instead to dedicate his attention to Claudia's arms as she repeated the same slow motions. Struggling to complete what for anyone would be a trivial motion while carrying an insignificant weight.

"Ahh…Ignoring me again I see." Said the deep voice, a smile evident in its tone. "But I wonder…do you ignore me because of hatred? Or because paying attention to anything else might distract you from your…vigil?" The last word was said with no inflection or emotion, but Kirei could hear the sneer no matter how well it hid it.

Claudia took a moment to sit and rest, panting heavily with sweat beading on her alabaster skin. The effort needed for her to complete what to anyone would be but a trifling matter had obviously taken a lot out of her.

"Well." She said with a smile in between pants. "T-That's five, five more to go."

Kirei did what he could to smile reassuringly. "Don't rush yourself. Take your time. I am here for you."

Claudia gave him a beaming smile. She then resumed her exercises, her arms trembling with effort.

The thing exhaled, the expulsion of air carrying the same intonation of a person who had just partaken of the most exquisite drink. "Such a _sublime_ struggle! Such pathetic whimpers! The weakness that she tries to overcome in a desperate effort to acquire approval! The way but a few words of kindness will make her try all the harder to please you!"

The thing stood beside Kirei's wife and studied her, paying attention to her movements, the way her chest rose and fell with effort. "I do wonder, _why_ do you keep such a strong vigil? Why do you watch her every movement? Why do you drink of her form with such zeal?" Its smile, impossible as it should be, widened. "Are your motiveschaste? Do you perhaps drink of her form with such desperation because you are but a Man?"

The question caused Kirei to grind his teeth in anger. For the first time he looked away from Claudia in order to glare daggers at the phantom. The thing's eyes twinkled in amusement as he finally met its gaze, the features of its face twisted into a cruel mask. He hated those features, he hated them with a passion that surprised him.

How couldn't he? It was his own face after all.

The apparition was Kotomine Kirei, plain and simple. It was perhaps an inch or three taller, fuller in the chest, its hair long and unkempt, its features more mature and severe. A smirk always plastered on its face.

He hated that smirk more than anything else.

Seeing that it had goaded Kirei into looking at it, its smirk gained a cruel edge. "Do you imagine the softness of that alabaster skin? Wonder at the taste of her sublime form? Do you perhaps fantasize of claiming her? Ravishing that delicate figure? Making her yours in every sense?"

Kirei's hands fisted, only his iron self control keeping them from shaking. But even so, he refused to dignify the phantom with a response.

"Or is it something else?" Continued the apparition. "Is there another motive to your vigil? Is the reason you watch over her so intently _truly_ so you can guarantee her safety?" The phantom chuckled. "Or perhaps…perhaps it is the effort itself that you drink? The utter futility of her struggle? Perhaps it is something else that you seek with the desperation of a man dying of thirst?

"Maybe…maybe what you seek is that moment of despa-"

The phantom was interrupted as Kirei shot to his feet, fury painted plainly in his face.

He then remembered exactly where he was and quickly resumed his mask. Just in time for Claudia to turn around.

"Kirei?" She asked in her soft voice. "Kirei, what is the matter?"

Kirei blinked a few times. "F-Forgive me." He said with as little strain as he could muster, he then gave her as genuine a smile as he could and made an excuse. "I…I need to use the rest room."

Claudia blushed. "Ahh! O-Of course…I'll be right here."

Kirei nodded before turning around and leaving the room.

The chuckles of the thing rang in his ears no matter how quickly he walked.

[==]

"I want to give you a child."

The seven simple, heartfelt words had been enough to freeze Kotomine Kirei in his tracks.

"Come again?" He had asked after a long moment of silence.

"I will not be beside you for long." Claudia had told him, a tear glinting on her right eye. She intertwined her fingers with his own, basking in the warmth of his hand. "I want to give you something to love, something that you can remember me by." As she spoke she had brought his palm up to her check, and snuggled against it.

He had been full of objections of course. Showing the concern one would expect of a husband to a wife.

Always working to crush that exalted joy in his heart as he saw her weep in her quest to convince him.

And so Kirei lay on the bed beside a furiously blushing Claudia, with next to no idea what to do.

"I told you that you should have at the very least flipped through a porn magazine." Said the Phantom, walking until it stood on the right uppermost corner of the bed.

Kirei ignored it and, at Claudia's urging, claimed his wife's lips, causing her to emit an excited mewl. Clauida wrapped her arms around Kirei's shoulders as the latter clumsily, if eagerly, sought to please her.

"My my such…_passion_." Commentated the Phantom. "And the way that your rough movements excite her, even though she knows that she will need to deal with bruises in the morning."

Kirei glared at it as he kissed the line of Claudia's collarbone. The Phantom smirked, chuckled, and made a pacifying gesture. "Do you think that…perhaps it is the knowledge that she will need to deal with bruises in the morning what excites her so?" Its statement made, it walked until it passed Kirei's field of vision. A moment later Kirei felt it leave.

Now left in peace, Kirei was able to devote all of his attention to Claudia, taking note of the things that made her shudder, of the things that made her sigh, of the things that made her moan.

Kirei devoted all of his attention and drive to pleasing the woman below him, closely following her instructions when she gave them. When the moment came to consummate their marriage, Kirei was made to pause.

She hurt.

The thought froze Kirei's mind. Claudia trembled as she hugged him as strongly as she could, wrapping her legs around his waist.

"D-Don't stop!" She beseeched him with tears running down her face, "I-I want you to feel good! Don't worry about me, just keep going."

Kirei wanted to object, he wanted to tell her to take her time, he wanted to say that there was no need for her to force herself. He knew that these were the things any husband should and would say to his wife.

However…she hurt.

Up until that point he had diligently followed any instruction she gave him, allowing her to teach him the ways to please her. And so, he simply chose to follow instructions once more.

She hurt.

And that only served to drive him onwards.

Her breath was short with excitement and pain. Her body trembling both from the strange new sensations that assaulted it, and the agony brought by Kirei's unceasing movements. She hugged the man that she loved with all of her might as he moved, his rough breath searing her skin like fire.

'_I do wonder.'_ Said the voice of the Apparition, coming from somewhere within the depths of his psyche. _'Will you find the act this enjoyable once she becomes used to it?'_

Kirei Kotomine grit his teeth and ignored the voice. He continued to move, Claudia's agonized gasps serving only to drive him into greater fervor.

She hurt.

And he did not know how to feel about that.

=[]=

Kotomine Kirei held something fragile and precious in his hands.

It was a small thing really, barely weighing even six pounds. He stared at the small thing in his arms, carrying it with the care that was expected, making sure to offer the correct support and stability.

He stared long and hard at the greatest hope of any man in existence.

And felt nothing more than indifference.

He searched desperately within himself for something, anything. Something more than the simple apathy that composed the whole of his life, he searched hard, but found nothing.

"Kirei…let me hold her." Said Claudia weakly, causing Kirei to immediately step forward and deposit the child in her feeble arms. "Wow…she's heavy." She said, happily holding the child to her.

Kirei looked at his wife, the pregnancy and the birth had not been kind to her. Her skin was even more pale than normal, her breath abnormally short, her limbs trembling with weakness. And yet she seemed to have a radiant glow about her, Claudia's smile for the first time truly showing life. "I think you were right, Caren is the perfect name for her."

Kirei put his hand on his chest, the steady beating of an unmoved heart met his inquisitive touch. Without his instruction, his hand gained strength until he was all but clawing at his chest.

Without apparent provocation, Caren began to cry, her loud wails reverberating in the walls of the small stone room. Claudia flinched in surprise and immediately began to shush her.

"Ahh the cries of a child, the greatest elation a man can ever hope to achieve!" Said the Monster as it stepped out from beside him. "Listen to those lungs! Tell me child, are you proud?"

Kirei gazed directly into the eyes of the Monster, and glared, his hands fisting and his legs shifting oh so very slightly.

"Calm child! I come in peace!" Said the Apparition as it took a step toward Kirei's wife and daughter.

In a movement so quick the human eye would be unable to track it, Kirei stood in front of it, blocking its path. The whisper soft movement of his feet easily drowned out by Caren's wails.

The apparition simply smirked. "Protective aren't we?"

Claudia turned to look at her husband, her breath coming in short gasps. "K-Kirei…I…I can't hold her anymore!"

Immediately Kirei was beside her, lifting the crying child from her arms, his stance still weary and ready to spring into violent motion.

The Monster laughed. "What will you do now child? How will you fight?"

Before Kirei could make any response, Claudia's hand softly caressed his cheek. Both Kirei and the Monster looked at her in surprise.

Claudia's hand moved from Kirei's cheek, to his forehead, to his other cheek and back, gently caressing his face, tracing her cool fingers across his frown. "So...so it is still not enough?" She said with a small, sad smile, the knowing light in her eye seeming to drive a spike into his heart.

Kirei averted his eyes, unable to meet her warm gaze. "I do not know what you are talking about."

Claudia did not challenge his lie and rested her weight against him, content to simply partake of his presence. She whispered something, her tone so low that it should have by all means been lost to the cries of her child, three simple words that should have been lost in the commotion of the small room. Three simple, heartfelt words that engendered both shame and anger in Kirei's heart.

"_I love you."_

Kirei became completely immobile, the hold he kept on his daughter tightening ever so slightly. Moments later he felt the Apparition recede, for the first time leaving without a parting shot.

Caren's cries immediately stilled, falling away to whimpers as she buried her face on her father's chest and fell asleep.

Kirei's wandering eyes fell on his daughter, where he spotted a small spot of crimson. There was a small cut in his daughter's arm, no doubt what had caused her to cry so. As he watched, a drop of blood welled out of the cut and slid down her plump arm.

Kirei slid his finger over that small drop, and raised it to his eye, staring at it in fascination.

The right corner of his mouth bent oh so very slightly up.

=][=

Kirei paced back and forth on the empty underground parking lot of the hospital, his steps heavy as he battled with himself.

Suddenly he stopped in the center lane, his decision made, and called out to the darkness of the room.

"Come out."

From behind one of the columns stepped out the Monster, its ever-present smirk wide and merry. "Ohh? So you've finally chosen to speak to me? Do tell, what has prompted this honor?"

Kirei stared into those eyes, studying that joyous glint that he despised so. "You hurt my daughter."

The Phantom smiled. "Did I? I seem to recall you stopping me."

Kirei silently drew six black keys from within his coat, the light of the few lamps in the area glinting malevolently from their blades.

The Apparition mockingly did the same.

The two stared into each others eyes, then kicked off the ground at the exact same moment, each throwing four black keys forward, the noise they made as they cut the air a keening wail that demanded blood. Their weapons meeting at the exact half-way point of the lane they called their battlefield. The eight spinning black keys met in mid-air and destroyed each other, the slender blades of the black keys still clutched in their hands were unable to withstand the force of the attacks made with them and snapped under the strain.

The Apparition immediately stepped forward and delivered a vicious palm strike, then stroke with its knee, and lastly made a downward strike with its elbow at the same time that it stomped the ground with enough force to raise dust in a small cloud around its foot. The three ferocious attacks were delivered in less than three seconds.

The lightning quick attacks were dodged with incredible ease by one Kotomine Kirei.

Their battle did not progress from there. The Apparition attacked with hand and foot. It shot and stabbed with black keys. But not a single one of its attacks landed true, for Kirei moved fluidly around them, never once returning the aggression.

They separated, the breathing of both calm and even.

"Pathetic." Stated Kirei. "Your form is weak. Your discipline is lacking. Your attacks are ineffective. And yet, youthink yourself my better."

The Apparition chuckled. "I never claimed to be your better. I am merely one of many servants of the Lord."

Kirei frowned. "You are nothing. You are nothing more than a monster; a worthless shell."

"On the contrary." Said the Monster with a knowing smile. "I am but a monument to all of your sins. One who has arrived at his answer, and now merely seeks to find the question to it."

Kirei's eyes blazed, but he held his tongue.

The Monster once more chuckled. "Very well, have it your way child. We shall continue with this farce for a little longer if that is what you wish." With that the Apparition launched itself forward once more, its arm moving in a solid line, its fist turning in a circle to increase the damage of its attack.

Kirei deflected the strike with his own. The strength of his block was enough to tenderize the bones of the thing's arm. He stepped forward; his enemy was sent back flying into the opposite wall, the impact causing a spider web of cracks to blossom on the concrete.

Three strikes were delivered in the instant that his enemy had been in range. In that moment, Kirei broke three of the monster's ribs, its right clavicle, and its sternum.

It wasn't enough.

Kirei pulled out more black keys and sent them flying. Their blades sank into the thing's flesh and pinned it to the wall.

It wasn't enough.

Kirei sent _more_. Pinning its arms, legs, torso, shoulders. He sent more and more so that the thing resembled a pincushion more than a human.

It wasn't enough.

He was out of black keys. Kirei kicked off the ground and rushed forward, his foot leaving a perfect imprint on the concrete. He barreled shoulder first unto the black keys, sinking them into the demon to the hilt, heedless of the handles as they opened lacerations in his flesh through his reinforced clothing.

Kirei attacked. There was no poise or art to his movements, no training, nothing but a relentless frenzied assault. He punched, kicked, elbowed, bit. A belligerent roar resounded in the room as blood, meat, and bone showered his form.

He exposed the organs and pulled at them. He dug out the bones and broke them. Soft tissues, fats, skeletal muscles, nothing was spared from his savage rain of attacks.

He took a hold of the thing's collar and pulled, drawing it from the wall in a shower of gore. He then smashed what remained of the thing into the ground, the impact causing its blood to splatter out in a torrid shower.

He mounted it, ignored the black keys that cut into his flesh and continued his assault. Kirei was unmindful of the pain in his fists, uncaring that most of his fingers were bending in ways that they were most certainly not meant to. He had to kill it, destroy it, erase it. It was the only way.

He brought his left elbow down unto its chest, the strength of the strike pulverizing both its thoracic cage and Kirei's left elbow. Then, ignoring or unaware of the pain, he dug his right hand into the now soft area on the chest, and _pulled,_ exposing the pericardium.

Or, exposing the place it _should_ be.

"No." Said Kirei as he wiped his hand on his bloody coat. "No no no." He stood and began to back away slowly, each step gaining more speed. "No no nononononono!"

There was nothing there.

Or rather, there _should_ have been nothing there.

A disgusting black mass writhed within its chest. Fouled blood moving in and out of it in a grotesque parody of a bodily function.

It was on his hand. He could feel it. Anger, murder, rape from love, rape from hate, stealing, lying, arson, suicide, oppression, slaughter, hate, cruelty, ignorance, obsession, crime, revenge, injustice, wrath, sloth, greed...

The list was unending, infinite, endless, countless.

Unlimited.

Evil, all the things he had sworn to reject.

_And by God they felt so __**right**__._

The thing, what remained of it, impossible as it should be, began to laugh. Its voice untouched by pain, uncaring of the injuries it had sustained. "Why do you panic oh child of God? Why do you turn away? Why do you claim your denial?" It sat up, the keys in its flesh squelching as it forced itself upright.

Nothing remained of its face other than a pulped mass, yet its voice was light, untouched, triumphant. "Why do you show such horror when you knew it from the beginning?"

"_I am nothing like you!"_ Screamed Kirei, his voice hoarse. "I _defeated _you! Beat you! Ended you! You cannot stand, let alone fight! I have done the Lord's work! I have done my duty! _I shall suffer not trespass! I shall suffer not evil! I shall suffer not the heretic!"_

"Trespass?" Asked the thing. "There is no trespass Kotomine Kirei, there never was. I am you, you are I.

"You just do not wish to acknowledge this."

"_YOU ARE WRONG! __**I AM NOTHING LIKE YOU!**_"

Even though it no longer had lips, even though nothing remained of its dentures other than shattered teeth, Kirei knew that it was smirking. "Then tell me, oh pious child. Why do you smile so?"

Kirei blinked. What was it babbling about? Kirei was confused, repulsed.

Afraid.

He was not happy, he was not smiling, he was not joyous.

Trembling, Kirei slowly lifted his hand, and brought it to his lips.

He was sporting the biggest smile he had ever had.

"N-No." Said Kirei as he ran his one working hand over his mouth and cheeks. "T-This is not happening. This is a trick." As he spoke, he did all he could to vanish the smile, to end it, destroy it. But it would not leave. No matter what he did, how hard he tried. The smile would not disappear."H-How?"

The thing laughed, its laugh was rich and deep, filled with the most unpolluted mirth. "Did you truly not notice child?

"You've been smiling like that from the moment you landed the first strike."

Kotomine Kirei stared at the ruin before him.

And screamed.

[]

It was raining. That was the first thing that cut through the haze that had overtaken his mind.

He could not remember standing, he could not remember running, he could not remember stopping.

He stood on the rain, letting the cleansing drops drench him to the bone.

He could see it now, he could not understand how he had not understood it before. Nay, perhaps he had not _wanted_ to see.

'_I am broken.'_ He thought, _'A monster; a worthless shell.' _The three statements repeated themselves in his mind, over and over again. Clearly, for something as broken as him to have been born…it must have been some type of mistake, a blunder in God's flawless plan.

A mistake that could not be rectified, a mistake that had to disappear.

Lifelessly, he began to walk. At first he did not know where, nor did he care. Soon however, it was made apparent to him where his feet were taking him.

Claudia had a right to know of his failure.

He met nobody as he walked to her, which perhaps was for the better. After all, what would he say? What right did he have to speak?

Kirei walked until he stood in the small stone room, the water falling in merry drops from his form creating a puddle on the ground.

He looked at the frail form of his wife, her body having degenerated since the few months after the birth. She could barely move, did not even have the strength to sit up, seeming to be little more than skin and bones.

They both remained silent, letting the sound of rain fill the room around them.

After several long moments, Kirei found his voice and spoke the last five words he would ever tell his wife. "I could not love you."

A warm light seemed to shine from Claudia's eyes, the tender smile that she saved for him and him alone blooming on her lips.

"No. I love you."

Her trembling hand reached out and took hold of a simple and sharp knife. One that Kirei had used countless times as he cut fruit for her. Without a word or hesitation she raised it and sunk it into her chest to the hilt.

Kirei could have tried to stop her. He should have tried to stop her. But stopping her was meaningless.

Claudia had a fatal disease, her condition deteriorating by the day. She did not have long to live, he knew that when he chose her.

As her blood slowly began to drench her clothes, she looked up to Kirei and smiled. The light behind her eyes fading fast, when she spoke, it was in a sigh that was only slightly louder than the rain.

"See?...You are…crying." She gave a weak nod, one last smile, and whispered her final word. "Yes…" Her breath left her in a sigh as life fled completely from her body, the warm smile on her lips remained, for she had accomplished her wish.

The tears she had seen confirmed it, the man she loved, loved her back. Her death had served a worthy purpose, she had proved to him that he could and would be saved.

Kirei remained immobile as water continued to drip off his form, falling from his hair, trailing down his face, and falling from his chin.

Kotomine Kirei, was not crying.

Kirei's hand stretched out and hovered just over her face.

Perhaps he wished to caress her.

Perhaps he wished to strike her.

Perhaps he wished to close her eyes.

He remained in that position for a long moment, before retracting his hand without having touched her, and turned around.

He walked out of the stone room.

He walked out of the wing.

He walked out of the hospital.

He walked once more out into the rain, the noise it engendered serving to drown out the thought that had all but rooted him in place.

'_How terrible. If she was going to die, I wanted to kill her myself.'_

It happened long ago.

The tale of a man who tried to love a woman, and a woman who tried to love a man, did love him, and even had his child.

Everyone had thought the man a paragon, the gesture of a saint who wanted to bring happiness to someone who had known very little throughout her life. And yet, to the man, she would forever be a Saint.

The woman's life was short and filled with pain.

The woman's life was devoid of value.

The woman's life ended without significance.

He can no longer remember her voice.

He cannot recall her face.

But even so, the man could not bear the thought of her death being meaningless, and so stopped his never-ending search for answers.

Thus ended a simple story.


End file.
